coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
