So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize