and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
