Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
