I need to stop coming to work sober
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm too high and old for this...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
