Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
