we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
