i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
