Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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