I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
