remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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