They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
