why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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