dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
