Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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