Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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