you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
