I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
