My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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