I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize