just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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