i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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