If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
