I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
