Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I have aggressive nipples.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
