there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She needs sedatives and a leash
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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