you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
