Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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