I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
