he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize