I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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