You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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