Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
