he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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