he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
