She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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