everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
