Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
