Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
