Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't deserve a penis
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
