i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I love you. Go after that dick
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
