And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Mom said you looked used
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
