not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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