there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
