My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
