Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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