Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
