Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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