I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i will never coherently bang her
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
