Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
