Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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