wanna go halves on a baby?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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