Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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