Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
