I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
