It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize