from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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