I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
