Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
