You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize