Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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