The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
