i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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