On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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