there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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