Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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