just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
