After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
