You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
