I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
