My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
