You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
