ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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