apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize