it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
